it's a toxin, not unlike

that of too much alcohol flowing through your veins, but, closer to a burning sort of fiery screach inside your vessels, ripping through and raging at everything and nothing and everything all at once, not unlike the cutting of the throat as flakes of "gold" rip up your tissues when shooting down some goldschlager --- it's that kind of screaming burning in the pit of your stomach and tearing up the rest of your insides...

the anxiety of writing is not unlike that of making art -- if it's an installation, well, you've got the date of the opening set and that is it - if there's no material, there's nothing and you're responsible for it. but with art, it's not the concise execution of thought, it's the "hey, check this out a little, and then check this out -- oh, and while you're at it, what do you think about this?" no. no. no. no. no. art. writing. this kind of thesis writing. not. not. not. the same deal at all.

the toxic anxiety of writing is not unlike the jagged shaking of organs before the start of the race -- there's a similar whole-body sense of --- "we have GOT to get it moving and get ALL of these parts moving all at once, IMMEDIATELY!" but, it's not an, okay, to the lane, to the line, to the gun, to the curve, to the straight-way, to the curve, to the straight-way, to the line again and you're done. no. writing a single sentence takes as long as one 400M dash. writing is racing. writing fucks with your body, your sleep, your sense of time, your consumption of alcohol, your pains in your shoulders, neck, and ass. running does simliar damage, but, again. the end is always so much clearer...

if thesis writing is the culmination, why can't it just be the end?

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